Sunday, May 26, 2013

After Breast Cancer - 6 months out.. Trying to adjust - GRIEF

Life is different now.  I lived thru the treatment - barely....   Stay strong! - they say ... and .. Be positive.. You'll be Ok.  That's what they say all the way thru it.  I am glad they do, however it still irritates me. " Come inside and see what it feels like " that's what I wanna say.  

I have many complications from the treatment.  Enough so that I am now disabled.  GRIEF that's what  I wanna talk about.  I am full of GRIEF.  Its not mad or sad actually .. its much deeper,, not depressed either.  I miss me.  I miss the me before all this.   I miss the pretty me.  I miss the well me.   had some chest pains and a small lump.  Actually thought I pulled a muscle from workin on our lil mini farm.  Bags of feed, pullin weeds , keepin house etc..  NOPE not even close sweetie pie..   So I will talk about the journey thru it later, cause now I need to understand my grief.  Ya need to talk about it to understand it, so i'm talkin . 

I grieve for my family, they aren't the same either.  they all seem farther away now.  I am farther away.  I don't know who this person is .. when I look in the mirror .. I went from 0 to 60 in 2.5 sec.  No kidding.  I now have a full head of gray hair and hands of a 90 yr old.   I have a prednisone round head and humpty dumpty figure.  THIS IS NOT MY HEAD nor my boob,.  I miss my old head, I liked it , I had it for 50 years and its gone ... OH also lost my front teeth, Yep they just up and died.  See ya!  Kinda like my energy, I just have buckets, yep buckets and they don't fill up very fast at all - two to three buckets a day and you have had a Great day.

Grief, Goodness grief, for heavens sake and all that.   I probably sound mad, but I'm grieving really and grief hurts.  I grieve for that whole year that is such a blurr,  I was there, I felt every second of it, " Oh if it didn't kill ya ... It'll make ya stronger " REally!  didn't work for me.  I was strong before this ,    Gosh I miss my ability to type better. I was great .  I miss me.  I am now breast cancer me.  And ya know what, people actually look right at your breasts once they know,  my eyes disappeared .  I miss that too.  I miss - Hey, Nice to see ya.    Now I get  - Hey, how ya feelin.  I miss that too. I miss my clothes that I don't fit into any more 

I miss sleep, .... it just don't last.  Short sleeps in a row!  Am I on watch for the cancer monster or something that I cant sleep all the way thru the night.  I miss that.   I had a Lumpectomy - 3 times, I am grateful for saving it ... however, I do have one good one and one flat tire.  I miss that. 

I miss my ability to deal with rude people or ones with no common sense.   But, really what makes me so sensible?  I have absolutely no idea, however, these people can trip my trigger in an instant.  I even tell people out loud now , " Hey that was rude!"  I wanna shut up, I don't want it to bother me, I miss that.  Maybe it's cause ... they need to be told, if enough people tell them maybe they will go AHA.   maybe not.    Its because there just aint no need for it.  That's why its irritating,  Life is about being happy  . that's one of the goals.  So everyone should be mindful of that when in public.

 I miss workin, just got my degree and 3 months later CANCER - I miss my ability to use my degree in Behavorial Science family advocate.  That was my goal.  Even specialized my own degree and yeeha - Cant do now, -  I miss that.  I miss even more - but I feel a lil better now, I am recognizing how many grief spots I have.  I have a bucket full of grief - But I am going to pick up each lil ball of grief and name  it, embrass it , and try to deal with it.  AND stop putting more in the bucket...